Narcissists:
how to spot them and why are they so attractive?
Narcissism, like many personality traits in
my opinion, exists on a continuum: that is, some of us share traits with
narcissists but at a lower, less broad and less consistent manner, while true
(clinical) narcissism is seen more consistently, in broader contexts and over a
long period of time. Narcissism as a term has entered common language usage and
may therefore have lost some of its meaning, e.g. that someone may jokingly
refer to themselves as a narcissist just for looking in the mirror and thinking
they look good (in much the way Narcissus in Greek mythology did staring into
the water). Certainly this kind of statement may share some common ground with
narcissism, but it also shares traits with healthy self-esteem. There is
nothing wrong – in fact it is quite healthy and to be encouraged – to cultivate
a healthy self-love and self-esteem. There is a difference between healthy
self-love and self-aggrandisement to the exclusion or detriment of others
I find it fascinating that when talking to
people about what constitutes narcissistic traits & personality, most
people are able to think of someone they know (usually a boss or colleague –
sometimes a husband!) who they think fits the bill well. So where is the line between healthy and
pathology?
Over the years of providing Psychological
therapy, I have seen a good number of people (mainly women) who have fallen for
what I call the “White Knight Syndrome”. They meet a man who exudes confidence,
chats easily, puts a fair amount of effort into their appearance (or is just
naturally good looking) and has (seemingly) achieved lot in their lives. In my
experience (and this is generalising), it is women who lack confidence
themselves who fall for the “White Knight” as they seek a counterpoint: someone
to look after them/be strong and confident where their confidence is low. While
this is not an exclusively female trait, it keeps coming up in relationships
and particularly in the area of domestic violence. Why? Because the narcissist
cant keep up the façade for long. Once they get to know him, he is unmasked as
relatively average and normal. Hopefully that is the end of the relationship,
but in some cases the narcissist becomes aggressive jealous and controlling –
because they have been unmasked and others might find out.
So, how do you spot a narcissist?
Narcissism:
Narcissistic
Personality Disorder is a long term pattern of self-centred or egotistical
behaviour that shows up in thinking and behaviour in a lot of different
situations and activities. People won't (or can't) change their behaviour even
when it causes problems at work or when other people complain about the way
they act, or when their behaviour causes a lot of emotional distress to others.
This pattern of self-centred or egotistical behaviour is not caused by current
drug or alcohol use, head injury, acute psychotic episodes, or any other
illness, but has been going on steadily at least since adolescence or early
adulthood.
Narcissism
has a number of hallmark traits, which in combination (5 of 9 possible traits
exhibited over a period of years since early adulthood) may reach the threshold
for diagnosis[1]:
(1) has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements)
Grandiosity is one of the main features of narcissism: that sense that they are the best at everything and no one else could possibly compare with their achievements.
(2) is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
This is a particularly difficult trait in relationships: a true narcissist has unrealistic beliefs about themselves which can be projected onto others, with no likelihood that anyone could measure up to their unrealistic expectations.
(3) believes that he or she is "special" and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions)
(4) requires excessive admiration
Will fish for compliments and not give any in return. The classic example of “you look nice” “yes I do don’t I..”
(5) has a sense of entitlement, i.e., unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations
Narcissists can be very demanding of others as they project their expectations.
(6) is interpersonally exploitative, i.e., takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends
Now we are getting to the business end –what sets a true narcissist apart are the cold, uncaring and callous traits such as deliberately (or perhaps without awareness) manipulating others to serve their own purposes.
(7) lacks empathy: is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others
Another hard core trait which is not nice to be on the receiving end. There are two schools of thought around this lack of empathy: one is that they don’t understand other’s emotions, the other is that the understand other’s emotions but just don’t care to take them into account if it conflicts with what they want. This has parallels with Psychopathy at its most serious derivation
(8) is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her
Both can exist, and not mutually exclusive. They will say (and some believe) that people admire/respect/are envious of them. Deep down, they can be very sensitive, threatened and intimidated when they meet someone who is actually great at something they lay claim to.
(9) shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes
Basically, they treat other people with contempt as they are not as worthy or brilliant
Why are we attracted to Narcissists?
Narcissists think a lot of themselves, but they have a magnetic pull on those around them. This magnetic pull only lasts so long, however, because the superficiality of the truly narcissistic individual causes the relationship to wear thin. At that point, they are forced to find a new partner who, again, may only stick around for so long.
Because their long-term
prospects in relationships tend not to be very good, narcissists become the
masters of the good first impression. They know how to manipulate their own
self-presentation so that they seem desirable and attractive. It’s
possible that, like Narcissus, their disordered personality traits stem from
their high intrinsic levels of physical attractiveness. However, it’s also
possible that because of their narcissistic tendencies, they spend a great deal
of time, money, and effort on making themselves look as attractive as they
possibly can.
Narcissists may also be
appealing, at least in the short term, because they are so “socially bold.”
They exude that air of self-confidence and assurance which others find so
attractive. People who are convinced of their own greatness often, at least at
first, convince us.
Beware the lure of the handsome (or beautiful) charmer who not
only makes good eye candy but also swaggers with perhaps a bit too much
self-assurance. This person may be a great first date but, over time, an
inability to establish close intimate bonds will only bring you sorrow.
Long-term relationship fulfillment requires the emotional substance of someone
who is not just socially bold, but socially caring.
How do I negotiate a relationship with a Narcissist?
Largely this depends on the context: spouse, boss, colleague, family member. Regardless, narcissists are hard to change and I have seen too many people hang in too long hoping that they will or can change. I believe anyone can change given sufficient motivation. And here lies the problem; most narcissists don’t see the need to change, so the motivation to negotiate the long process of insight building and contextual behaviour change is lacking.
Lower Your Expectations and Strategise Your Needs[2]
- Keep your expectations realistic.
Enjoy their good qualities, but understand they’re
emotionally limited, even if they’re sophisticated in other ways. Accepting
this, you won’t continue asking something of friends, family, or co-workers
they can’t give. Consider this definition of insanity: when you repeat the same
actions but expect a different response.
- Never make your self-worth dependent on them.
Don’t get caught in the trap of always trying to please a
narcissist. Also protect your sensitivity. Refrain from confiding your deepest
feelings to someone who won’t cherish them.
- Show how something will be to their benefit.
To successfully communicate with narcissists, frame things this
way. Stating your needs clearly rarely works, nor does getting angry, or
demanding. Alternatively, speak to what means something to them. Instead of
saying to your spouse, “I’d really enjoy going to a family dinner,” reframe it
as, “Everyone really likes you. They’d be delighted to have you there.” Or
instead of saying to your employer, “I’d prefer to work fewer nights,” say, “I
can bring in more revenue for your company during these hours.” Naturally, it’s
better not to have to contend with the tedious ego-stroking of a narcissist.
But if the relationship is unavoidable, use this technique to achieve your
desired outcome.
